Daily Simpsons

2005-05-10T07:08:00.000-05:00

Daily Simpsons is on a temporary hiatus. In the meantime, feel free to enjoy over a year's worth of Daily Simpson's quotes in the archives. I dare you not to laugh.

2005-05-06T08:04:00.000-05:00

Apu: "Nickel off on expired baby food."

2005-05-05T15:15:00.000-05:00

Bart: "Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?"

2005-05-04T08:37:00.000-05:00

Mayor Quimby: "Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with digging up a corpse?"

2005-05-03T08:30:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

2005-05-02T08:33:00.000-05:00

Apu: "Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!"

2005-04-28T19:51:00.000-05:00

Homer: "If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement."

2005-04-27T08:25:00.000-05:00

Bart: "Geez Homer, you sure do suck tonight."

Homer: "Yeah, suck like a fox!"

2005-04-26T08:06:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all!"

2005-04-25T09:32:00.000-05:00

Ralph: "Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!"

2005-04-22T07:54:00.000-05:00

Smithers: I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.

Apu: "Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates on the dairy products!"

2005-04-20T08:07:00.000-05:00

Moe: "Hi, my name's Moe. Or as the ladies like to refer to me, 'hey you in the bushes'"

2005-04-19T09:03:00.000-05:00

Marge; "Grandpa, are you sitting on the apple pie?"

Grandpa: "I sure hope so."

2005-04-18T08:37:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Homer no function beer well without."

2005-04-15T08:22:00.000-05:00

Barney: "I don't know where you pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink."

2005-04-13T08:01:00.000-05:00

Chief Wiggum: "Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 91...2."

2005-04-11T10:09:00.000-05:00

Two quotes today to make up for Friday. Both quotes submitted by Daily Simpsons reader and fan The OhReally Factor.

Homer: "Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

[2F19] The PTA Disbands

Homer: "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.'"

[3F11] Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield

2005-04-07T12:37:00.000-05:00

Homer: "It takes two to lie - one to lie and one to listen."

Submitted by Anonymous.

2005-04-06T08:38:00.000-05:00

Milhouse: "I don't know, my Dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory."

2005-04-05T10:27:00.000-05:00

Marge: "Grampa, there are only forty-NINE stars on that flag!"

Grampa Simpson: "I'll be cold in my grave before I recognize Missourah!"

Submitted by TheOHReally Factor.

2005-04-04T09:16:00.000-05:00

Apu: "By the 7 arms of Visnu, I swear it. I am not a Hindu."

Fool Me Once

2005-04-01T07:58:00.000-05:00

Bart: "You're going down, Homer."

Homer: "You talk bigger than fool."

Bart:" I'm gonna fool you up real nice."

Homer: "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had a electrified fooling machine."

2005-03-31T08:42:00.000-05:00

Sideshow Bob: "No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it"

2005-03-30T08:06:00.000-05:00

Marge: "Aw geez, I just SWEPT the Circle of Death!"

2005-03-29T08:19:00.000-05:00

Apu: "This passport is a cheap forgery! A cheap $2,000 forgery!"

2005-03-28T09:43:00.000-05:00

Bart: "What do we need church shoes for, Jesus wore sandals."

Homer: "Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught."

2005-03-25T08:58:00.000-05:00

Apu: "Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates on the dairy products!"

2005-03-24T14:22:00.000-05:00

Grandpa: "My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star."

2005-03-23T07:52:00.000-05:00

Barney: "40 dollars!? This better be the best damn beer ever.. [drinks beer] You got lucky."

2005-03-22T08:24:00.000-05:00

Homer: "That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A blue car."

2005-03-21T11:24:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Marge, I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm coming back loaded!"

2005-03-18T14:34:00.000-05:00

Scully: "Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?"

Homer: "Yes." (lie dectector blows up)

2005-03-17T08:37:00.000-05:00

Abe: "Too old? Why, that just means I have experience. Who chased the Irish out of Springfield village in aught four? Me, that's who!"

Irish man: "And a fine job you did, too."

2005-03-15T07:59:00.000-05:00

Lisa: "Beware the Ides of March."

Homer: "No."

2005-03-14T09:45:00.000-05:00

Apu: "Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know."

2005-03-11T08:04:00.000-05:00

Homer: He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?!?

2005-03-10T08:47:00.000-05:00

Moe: "Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything."

2005-03-09T08:09:00.000-05:00

Homer: "I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming."

2005-03-08T08:24:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."

2005-03-07T10:17:00.000-05:00

Homer: "I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman."

2005-03-04T08:00:00.000-05:00

Chief Wiggum: "I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn."

2005-03-03T08:05:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Jesus, Allah, Buddah. I love you all!"

2005-03-02T08:39:00.000-05:00

Barney: "Whoah, someone smells stinky! Oh, its me."

2005-03-01T12:26:00.000-05:00

Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

2005-02-18T08:23:00.000-05:00

Homer: "I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos."

[2F03] Treehouse of Horror V

2005-02-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

Milhouse: "But I'm all Milhouse! Plus, my mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school!"

[4F01] Lisa's Date With Density

2005-02-16T12:56:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all."

2005-02-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

McBain: "Leave me a message after the beep..BUT DON'T BE A MESSAGE HOG USING UP ALL MY TAPE!"

2005-02-14T09:31:00.000-05:00

Milhouse: "I'm not a nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart."

[4F05] Burns, Baby Burns

2005-02-11T12:07:00.000-05:00

Marge; "Grandpa, are you sitting on the apple pie?"

Grandpa: "I sure hope so..."

[BABF19] Behind the Laughter

2005-02-10T08:02:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs."

2005-02-09T08:06:00.000-05:00

Homer: "See you in hell, dinner plate!"

[1F06] Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood

2005-02-08T07:43:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals...except the weasel."

[1F06] Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood

2005-01-31T08:01:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Ohhhhh, 20 dollars! I wanted a peanut!"

Homer's Brain: "20 dollars can buy many peanuts."

Homer: "Explain how!"

Homer's Brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services."

Homer: "Woohoo!"

[1F06] Boy Scoutz 'N the Hood

2005-01-28T08:44:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Did they teach you how to sing to trees and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs?"

(Homer's chair breaks)

Homer: "D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!"

[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

2005-01-26T08:09:00.000-05:00

Homer: "People can come up with statistics to prove anything, 14 percent of all people know that."

[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

2005-01-25T08:11:00.000-05:00

Homer: "So I said, 'Look buddy, your car was upside down when we got here, and as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that.'"

[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

2005-01-24T08:07:00.000-05:00

Marge: "And don't take candy from strangers."

Homer (pleading): "Marge, they're only human!"

[8F24] Kamp Krusty

2005-01-21T08:07:00.000-05:00

Lisa: "I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart."

Bart: "We're all gonna die, Lis'."

Lisa: "I meant soon."

Bart: "So did I. "

[3F04] Treehouse of Horror VI

[8F24] Kamp Krusty

2005-01-20T10:48:00.000-05:00

Bart: "Don't we get to roast marshmallows?"

Kearney: "Shut up and eat your pinecone! "

[8F24] Kamp Krusty

2005-01-19T08:05:00.000-05:00

Homer: "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

Radio: "17"

Homer: "DOH!!"

Radio: "32"

Homer: "DOH!!"

Radio: "5"

Homer: "DOH!!"

Radio: "8"

Homer: "WOOHOO!!!"

Radio: "47"

Homer: "DOH!!"

[8F12] Lisa the Greek

2005-01-18T10:40:00.000-05:00

Homer (drooling): "Mmmmmm, crumbled up cookie things..."

[7F24] Stark Raving Dad

2005-01-14T09:02:00.000-05:00

Michael Jackson: "Bart, your father needs you. You don't want him to get a labotomy do you?"

Bart: (pause) "Well, there's probably a downside I don't see."

[7F24] Stark Raving Dad

2005-01-13T08:29:00.000-05:00

Bart: "Once you hit the big one-o, it's all downhill from there. You're legs start to go...candy doesn't taste as good anymore."

[8F07] Saturdays of Thunder

2005-01-12T08:45:00.000-05:00

Homer: "What's the quickest, easiest, cheapest way to do something with you?"

Lisa: "Uhh, take us to the video store?"

Homer: "Anything for my little girl."

McClurism

2005-01-11T08:51:00.000-05:00

Troy McClure: "Oh hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid.'"

[1F05] Bart's Inner Child

Don't Believe Everything You Read

2005-01-10T09:29:00.000-05:00

Lawyer: "What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, 'Die Bart, Die?'"

Sideshow Bob: "No, that's German for, 'The Bart, The.'"

Parole Board Member: "No one who speaks German could be an evil man."

[9F22] Cape Feare

That's The Spirit

2005-01-07T09:57:00.000-05:00

Bart: "Grandpa, Matlock's not real."

Grandpa Simpson: "Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!!!"

[9F22] Cape Feare

Can I Hear The Song Again?

2005-01-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

Lovejoy: "Thanks a lot Marge. That was our only burlesque house."

[4F06] Bart After Dark

Where Do I Know You From?

2005-01-05T10:17:00.000-05:00

Troy McClure: "Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure. You may remember me from such driver's ed films as 'Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass' and 'The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot.'

[9F14] Duffless

Amen Brother

2005-01-04T13:20:00.000-05:00

Homer: "God bless those pagans."

Culture Shock

2005-01-03T08:28:00.000-05:00

Principal Skinner: "...You wouldn't be getting a French boy...you'd be getting an Albanian."

Homer: "You mean all white with pink eyes?"

[7G13] The Crepes of Wrath

Research First

2004-12-30T08:23:00.000-05:00

Homer (impersonating his boss): "Hello, my name is Mr. Burns, I believe you have a letter for me."

Post office worker: "Ok Mr. Burns, what's your first name?"

Homer: "I don't know..."

[7F22] Blood Feud

Hindu Swearing

2004-12-29T13:21:00.000-05:00

Apu: "Shiva H. Vishnu!"

[3F12] Bart the Fink

Hallucinating?

2004-12-28T08:51:00.000-05:00

Ralph: "Um, Miss Hoover, there's a dog in the vent."

Ms Hoover: "Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?"

Ralph: "He was going to the bathroom."

[1F18] Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song

Laws Are Meant To Be Broken

2004-12-27T08:12:00.000-05:00

Homer: "In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"

[2F19] The PTA Disbands

Good Kid, Bad Kid

2004-12-22T08:47:00.000-05:00

Homer: "We always have one good kid, and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?"

Marge: "We have three kids Homer."

Homer: "Marge...The dog dosen't count as a kid."

[8F15] Separate Vocations

Judgmental Operator

2004-12-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

Operator: "The fingers you have used to dial, are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm, now."

[3F05] King- Size Homer

Even Trade Off?

2004-12-20T08:21:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Marge, we had a deal, your sisters don't come here after six and I stop eating your lipstick."

[2F14] Homer vs. Patty and Selma

Timing Is Everything

2004-12-17T08:38:00.000-05:00

Broker: "Homer, I told you a hundred times, you gotta sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween, before!"

Homer: "Ok, Ok let's not panic, I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers, I can get by with one."

[2F14] Homer vs. Patty and Selma

Heat Wave

2004-12-16T08:20:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Marge, can you set the oven to cold?"

[1F22] Bart of Darkness

Ol' McTrigonometry

2004-12-15T08:24:00.000-05:00

Lisa: "I'm studying for the math fair, if I win I'll bring home a brand new protractor!"

Homer: "Too bad we don't live on a farm."

[7F08] Dead Putting Society

Amazing Memory Loss

2004-12-14T11:14:00.000-05:00

Mr. Burns: "Who is this Homer Simpson?"

Smithers: "Actually, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude."

Mr. Burns: "Doesn't ring a bell."

[9F15] Last Exit to Springfield

They'll Just Blame Anyone

2004-12-13T09:01:00.000-05:00

Grandpa Simpson : "I always get the blame around here! Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch? Who got their dentures stuck on the toilet?"

2004-12-09T08:01:00.000-05:00

Homer: "But Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flanderseses."

Marge: "I'm sure it is, but why would we want to do that?"

Homer: "Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad! And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves."

[7F08] Dead Putting Society

Bright Idea

2004-12-08T08:46:00.000-05:00

Homer: "You know that little ball you put on the arial so you can find your car in the parking lot? That should be on every car!"

Mini Celebrity Appearances

2004-12-07T08:20:00.000-05:00

Homer: "After work I have to open a Jiffy Lube and then host the Cable Ace Awards."

Lenny: "Wow...Jiffy Lube."

[2F12] Homer the Clown

Constituents

2004-12-06T09:19:00.000-05:00

Grandpa Simpson (typing a letter): "Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot."

[2F06] Homer Bad Man

Crappy Knockoffs

2004-12-03T08:45:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!"

Bart: "Don't be a sap dad. These are just crappy knockoffs."

Homer: "I know a genuine 'Panaphonics' when I see one. And look! There's 'Magnet Box' and 'Sorny!'"

[3F11] Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield

Serendipity

2004-12-02T08:27:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, it's that girlsshould stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such. "

[4F17] The Old Man and the Lisa

Old Fashioned

2004-12-01T11:59:00.000-05:00

Mr. Burns: "Well Smithers, another Friday night is upon us, What will you be doing? Something gay no doubt? "

[3G01] The Springfield Files

Sudden Realization

2004-11-30T08:36:00.000-05:00

Homer: "The only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty...THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!"

[1F13] Deep Space Homer

This Can't Be Good

2004-11-29T08:32:00.000-05:00

Lionel Hutz: "Uh oh, we drew Judge Schneider."

Marge:" Is that bad?"

Lionel Hutz: "Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog."

Marge: "Really?!"

Lionel Hutz: "Well, replace the word kinda with the word repeatedly and the word dog with son."

[9F20] Marge in Chains

Giving Thanks

2004-11-24T08:38:00.000-05:00

"And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest,
safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and
love our family has experienced. Well, not today, but... You saw what
happened! Oh, Lord, be honest! Are we the most pathetic family in the
universe or what!"

[7F07] Bart vs. Thanksgiving

Motivational Speaker

2004-11-23T08:31:00.000-05:00

Speaker: "Be like the boy."

Crowd: "Be like boy, be like boy!"

Speaker: "Just the ladies."

Ladies: "Be like boy, be like boy!"

Speaker: "Now, just the seniors in the back."

Seniors Citizens: "We like Roy, we like Roy!"

[1F05] Bart's Inner Child

A Conspiracy Revisted

2004-11-22T08:44:00.000-05:00

Homer: "Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesday, and they never tell me where they are going. It's like a conspiracy or something. "

Bart: "A conspiracy, eh? Do you think they were involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way?"

Homer: "I doooo...nooooow. "

[2F09] Homer the Great

Mistaken Identity

2004-11-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

Otto: "Hey landlord dude, some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice. "

[8F21] Otto Show

Misclassfication Of Food

2004-11-18T09:47:00.000-05:00

Homer: "You want a doughnut?"

Lisa: "Do you have any fruit?"

Homer: "This one has purple stuff inside...purple is a fruit. "

[3F17] Bart on the Road

Homer Does Scales

2004-11-17T08:48:00.000-05:00

Homer: "DO...... the stuff... that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FA..... a long way to get beer...
SO...... I'll have another beer...
LA...... I'll have another beer...
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... "

(Looks into an empty glass)

"D'OH!"

Copyright

2004-11-16T08:19:00.000-05:00

Willie: "You've got the Shinning boy!"

Bart: "Don't you mean the Shining?"

Willie: "Shhh, do you want to get sued!"

[2F03] Treehouse of Horror V